ON RELATIONSHIP CONFLICT
Most people don’t understand what drives relationship conflict and so they enter into the relationship with an idealized idea that “whatever it is, it’ll work out I’m sure!”
When this doesn’t happen they go into relationship conflict lizard brain:
1. Fight- arguments maybe even physical violence
2. Flight- leaving the scene, disconnecting emotionally, planning or fantasizing about breaking up
3. Freeze- Avoiding the issue altogether. Silence. Denying that there is an issue
This of course NEVER works to create a relationship that is sustainable and fulfilling, it does work when it comes to the elimination of the immediate threat of conflict, however.
Many people confuse this with actual conflict resolution, especially if it ends with hot sex or some sort of makeup bonus such as gifts, cuddling, or momentary catharsis.
In order to truly get to a point where arguments NEVER occur, and not because either partner is biting their tongue- but because there is nothing to argue about, you have to delve into the underlying Unknown Conflict Drivers.
These unknown drivers are usually things that you don’t know that you don’t know. This can make it very slippery.
MOST people ASSUME that while you may not know the specifics, and you may not have ever had a conversation about these things …You know.
SOME people may have had a generic conversation about values or world views but not in a concrete practical way.
And yet. We all assume we know darling.
Richard and I teach, facilitate and transmit in the level of uncovering the Unknowns and actively engaging with them. It’s raw, sticky, uncomfortable work but the payoff is Immense.